Wasteland Idiots
by HaraKiriNergal
Summary: Ever wondered what the lives of those poor wastelanders are like? You know, the ones that kill each other for a bottle of water, blow themselves up with landmines and get terrorized by mole rats and radscorpions? Well you came to the right place! This is a story of a small group of wasteland idiots who are simply trying to survive! Szevasz Mark!


It was a normal day in the Capitol Wasteland. Well, as normal as days in the Capitol Wasteland can get. The sky was cloudy and grey. The land was dry and boring. It was quiet warm for winter, as always. The wild dogs were starving, as most of the time. The bloatflys were ugly, like I need to remind you. Anyway, the waters were full of filth and radiation. Nothing new there! The mole rats were doing what they knew best, digging. The Geiger counters were ticking, nonstop. The guns were firing in the distance. The super mutants were eating human hands. The wastelanders were cooking rats. It was just another cruel wasteland morning. But today, something was different. Something was in the air! And I'm not just talking about the gamma radiation. This was the energy from the presence of… some idiots!

"Do you have to be drinking right now?" A woman asks with irritation. On her face is a sour look. "Can you just not drink for one day?" She says to the muscular man next to her.

"Heeeee! What is your problem?!" The guys talks back. He looks pissed off.

"I don't like it when you're drinking. And I don't get why you need to drink right now!" She says. The guy takes a big sip from his bottle of beer. He looks satisfied for a second then goes back to looking angry.

"This is bothering you how?" He asks.

"What do you mean? How do you think this is bothering me?! We're in the fucking wasteland and you're the one carrying that hunting rifle! And now you want to start drinking! You're playing with OUR lives here dickhead!"

"Blah blah blah! You're playing with our lives here!" He says mockingly while laughing. "Are you alright darling?!" He asks, then turns to a tall woman. "Is she alright? He, he." The woman says nothing but seems to be on the man's side.

"Oh, my, fucking, God!" The short woman says. She turns to the fourth member of the group. A skinny man with glasses. "Am I the one being the asshole here? Is this seriously such a wrong thing to be upset about?" She asks her companion.

"No, I agree with you. None of us should be drinking. Especially the one with the rifle." He reasons.

"Of course." The beer man says. "This is nothing! But you would choose sides and make a big deal out of this, right?! Well why don't you just worry about your own little darling over there?"

"How can you talk like this with me? Ass-head!" The woman says.

"Keep your mouth flat! Horse dick Johnny!" The guy yells, hopefully alerting any wild animals or raiders nearby.

"Fuck you!" The worried woman and the man with glasses start walking ahead, along with the fifth and final member of the group, a tiny woman.

"Constantly mouthing me about everything!" The beer man says to the tall woman. "She needs to calm the fuck down."

"Let's just go and stay behind them." The tall woman says.

"Are they actually running off from us?!" He asks with surprise. "If we actually just left them, now that would be educational for her."

"Come on." The woman says. They start following them and of course, the guy keeps drinking his beer.

They walk for a while in the wasted land for about an hour. They pass ruins, destroyed towns but nothing interesting. They eventually reach a train yard but they know better to even think about going near it. We all know what lives in those tunnels. But the scary part is, we actually don't! Okay, we know that the underground metro tunnels are homes to raiders and feral ghouls! But we can never be sure what we'll find down there! So, most wastelanders don't wander around down there. The few brave or stupid enough to do so don't usually come back. At least not in one piece. And I mean that literally but also figuratively. Some have returned but the things they saw down there left them with great damage to their sanity! But enough about that already.

The group decided to sit down to eat in the remains of a blasted house. A sofa is still fairly intact. But when I say the remains of house, I mean no roof, barely any walls left. It provides shelter from the wind and prevents anyone from seeing them from the distance. It's good enough.

The beer man who is not so much a beer man anymore since, he drank it ages ago. He takes off his backpack. He was one of the people who carried the goods. The other one of course was the worried woman, but the guy with glasses was nice enough to carry it for her. They took out their bottles of water that they got from some merchants a few days earlier. They were dirty water, but it was water. They also had one bottle of purified water that they shared.

The worried woman gave her boyfriend and the tiny woman their water and a piece of cooked mole rat meat each. It tasted like old feet, but it was food. Cheap and filling! Beer man's girl took a pack of potato crisps from their bag and started eating. Beer man on the other hand didn't pull out his water, instead another bottle of beer. He puts the top of the bottle in his mouth and using his special tooth; he opens and removes the bottle cap. He throws the cap straight into his pocket, and starts drinking.

"Oh my God!" The worried woman says. "I'm not even going to bother." Pointing at the beer.

"You better not be! I don't need a bleeding ear again." The guy says. His girl laughs.

"You know that you shouldn't be drinking while you're the one with the rifle. You're responsible to defend us." Glasses says to beer man.

"Oh boy! Now it's you. Fine, if you don't like it, then let's swap weapons." He says.

They didn't have a lot of weapons in the group. Only the two guys knew how to use a firearm properly. Beer man had the hunting rifle, Glasses had the 10mm pistol, while the worried woman had a 32. Revolver and the tiny woman had a baseball bat. And the tall woman… well, she had her hard head. Nobody wanted to give her a firearm, or anything sharp, or heavy, or… you get my point. She was clumsy and useless. To tell you the truth, I'm surprised how she can tell the difference between the sky and the ground. All right, that's not entirely true. She wasn't retarded, just really dumb.

"No, I don't want to do that. The pistol is better if we get in trouble up close, and it's faster. We're better off if the one with the pistol is sober. Plus, I'm better with a handgun, you're the rifle guy. If you don't want to be able to shoot enemies from a distance, fine. But when we get in trouble, I want to be capable to defend myself and the others. So I keep the pistol, and you just stop drinking!"

"Alright, mister. But I'm going to be drinking this beer."

"Fine, but that's the last one."

"Thank you!" The worried woman says to both of them.

"I got to go for a wee." Glasses says.

"Alright darling. Be careful."

He gets up and walks out of the building. At least what's left of it, and looks around to see if it's clear. It seems like it. He goes to find a place to pee.

Meanwhile, beer man takes out some food. It's some strange white meat on a stick. He starts eating away. It tastes pretty good. It's not bad at all. Tiny woman sees this and can't help but say something about the mysterious meat.

"That is disgusting!" She says.

Beer man smiles. "What is disgusting?" He asks nicely.

"That meat! You don't know what it is or where it came from."

"It tastes really good! There's nothing disgusting about it."

"No." Worried woman says. "I agree with her. The guy could've sold you anything. Don't eat that shit! What kind of meat looks like that? It's strange."

"The guy said it was the best kind of meat."

"For all you know, you could be eating a ghoul's dick!" Tiny woman says.

"Ghoul's have tasty dicks in that case." He says, then takes a swig of his beer.

"I know you don't want to hear it, but another reason you shouldn't be drinking is you're going to be dehydrated! We don't have a lot of water." Worried woman says.

"Then I'll just drink from the river. No problem."

"You want to drink from the river? Are you insane or what?! You know it's dirty and irradiated!"

"Bullshit. That's just a myth. The water's fine. It's been 200 years since the bombs fell. The radiation is long gone. And the water hasn't been touched. It's clean enough. Perfectly safe to drink."

"That's literally the stupidest thing I have ever heard! How many people do you think died from drinking bad water? Too goddamn many!"

"I never seen anyone die from water."

"Shut up! You are so ignorant. Just stay away from the river, and the booze."

They sit in peace for a few minutes. Meanwhile the tall girl went to pee as well and the guy with glasses came back.

"Guys! Did you see that there's a radio here." Glasses says. He picks it up and brings it over. "Let's see if it works." He presses some buttons, the light turns on and music starts to play. The song is: **_Anything Goes_** _by **Cole Porter** _ They listen to the song and for a few minutes, they feel calm. But out of nowhere, they hear screaming and shooting!

The shooting sound like it's not too far away and it seems like it's getting closer and louder. They quickly pack up all of their stuff and take cover. They peek over the walls to see what's going on. They see three wastelanders getting attacked by a giant radscorpion! When I say giant, I mean giant! The size of a car! The monster stings one of the wastelanders and it penetrates his torso! Beer man and Glasses quickly get out their guns and start shooting at the scorpion. They have to help those people. They are too far away so they jump over the small wall and approach the scorpion. The wastelanders try to shoot at it but it has no effect. They get torn to pieces by the gigantic stinger of the scorpion! The two guys realize that it's time to flee! They start running back. The girls already started running. They follow them. The scorpion runs a lot faster than any of them and it will catch up to them. There's no way to outrun it! They have to enter the metro tunnels!

They run and run but the scorpion keeps getting closer. They reach the tunnels. The railway to the inside fortunately is locked, that way the scorpion can't get in. They go through the door on the side to enter the tunnels. They shut the door and run into the dark. The scorpion can't open the door, though it could probably break through it, it chooses to leave. The group decides to not go back that way so they start walking deeper into the railway tunnel.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Beer man says. "This is the last place I wanted to be today!"

"You don't need to tell us." Glasses says. "It's not like we're happy to be here."

"We need to find a way out of here fast!"

"No shit Sherlock!" Worried says. "Any other obvious things you want to say?"

"Yes, you're a bag-head!"

"Shut up guys! We shouldn't stay here for long." Tiny says.

"She's right, I'm scared in here. It's dark." Tall says.

"Well then let's get moving!" Glasses says.

They travel around the tunnels for a while. It's a good thing that the yellow lights are on in the tunnels and they can see. They guys gave their bags to the others so they can fight easier if need should arise. Eventually they find a dead feral ghoul. With a hole in its head! Someone killed it! And whoever it was, they could be a lot more trouble for them than some stupid feral ghouls.

Three raiders are standing guard behind some sandbags near two utility doors. They have ammunition boxes and mines. They haven't spotted them yet.

"Alright Johnny." Beer man says. "We're going to take these guys out. The three of you, stay behind until it's clear. And watch with the landmines."

Beer man targets the head of the guy with the assault rifle, Glasses prepares to attack the girl with the pistol and the guy with the nail board. Beer man fires the first shot, killing the raider. The raiders look at where the shots came from, giving Glasses the opportunity to surprise them. He fires three shots into the first guy for the kill, then fires 2 more for the last guy, Beer man also shoots at him. They're dead.

Beer man picks up the assault rifle, Glasses takes the ammo for the pistol. The five of them go through the utility door into the maintenance area. They go through the hallway, only to find a locked door.

"Shit! Now we have to go back." Beer man says.

"Don't worry, I got this." Glasses says. He hacks into the terminal next to the door and manages to open it.

"Well done!"

They keep going. They run into a big group of feral ghouls! They start shooting at them but there's too many of them, so they have to run. They end up splitting up. Never a good idea!

Beer man runs down a hallway where he's cornered. He uses his assault rifle to kill most of the ghouls that came after him. He runs out of ammo, now it's time for the hunting rifle. He kills one and they get too close. They start grabbing him. He starts hitting them with the rifle. It works. He fractures their craniums and manages to kill them all. He starts heading back. But two raiders jump out of nowhere. They only have melee weapons thankfully. He shoots the first guy in the guts, causing him to fall to the ground and bleed away. The second raider, she comes at him with a knife! Beer man starts hitting her with the unloaded rifle. He grabs her hand and tries to take away the knife. He knocks it out of her hand. The raider starts punching and kicking him. He's getting his ass handed to him! But Beer man is strong; he grabs the bitch by the throat and pins her down against the wall. He eventually chokes the bitch out! Sweet dreams princess.

Glasses goes through a door and runs into a tunnel. The ghouls follow him. He keeps his distance and one by one guns them down!

"Oh yeah! Flawless victory!" He runs back to find the others.

The girls went through doors and hid. They stayed silent until they couldn't hear the ghouls on the other side of the door.

"We shouldn't go back. We should go the other way." Tall said.

"We have to find the others. We're not leaving without them." Worried says.

"Yes. Besides, we don't know where that goes." Tiny says "Look! It's a booby trap!" Tall goes over there and kicks it to make it shut.

"Now it's safe. Now, I'm not going to wait around here to be eaten by a ghoul. I'm going to see where this goes." Tall says.

"No! There could be traps down there." Worried says.

"There's nothing in there. It's just a hallway." She walks in and walks around. Nothing. "See! It's perfectly safe."

But then she realized that she walked into a tripwire, and 5 grenades tied together dropped down. Before they could blink, she was no more. The only thing left was a bloody mess! Body parts, bones and guts started flying everywhere! The whole room turned into a red, sticky meat hole. They started screaming from the sight! They ran outside without thinking. They managed to run past the ghouls.

Beer man was sneaking around when he walked into a room with matrices and sleeping raiders. "Oh shit!" He thought. But then he realized that one of the raiders was sleeping with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. He couldn't help it, he had to reach for it and pull it out. The problem was that this made the raider wake up. He yelled and all the other raiders woke up too!

The girls ran for their lives, they ran into the room where Beer man and the raiders were at! They saw their friend get beaten by hammers and cut by knives! He was trying to crawl away but couldn't.

"HEEELP! PLEASE!" He screamed in agonizing pain! The girls had no choice but to run away, leaving Beer man to his fate. As they were running the screams continued, then it just stopped.

They eventually found Glasses, and managed to find a way that possibly leads outside.

"My brother is dead!" Worried said. "They killed him!"

"Oh really?" Glasses asked. ("Oh well, he was a twat anyway.")

They managed to find the way out. It said at the top: Main Entrance. Tiny started walking but Glasses yelled at her!

"Get back! Get back stupid bitch!" A turret started shooting at her from the ceiling; she managed to run back on time though. That turret is between them and the way out! "Bitch, you're so lucky!"

"Are we going to be able to run past that thing?" Worried asked.

"Run past? Don't be an idiot. Never could we run past a Mark IV Militarized Special Ops Combat Turret."

"What? So what can we do? Can we not get past it?" Tiny asked.

"Of course we can, I can hack the terminal, and turn the turret off!"

"Can you do that?"

"Of course! Don't be silly, I'm a computer expert! I could do it with my eyes closed! There's nothing that I can't do, when it comes to technology, babay!" Glasses goes over and does his thing on the terminal. "There! All done! Now we can safely walk past it. No trouble."

"Are you sure it worked" Worried asks.

"Ha! I'm not even going to bother answering that question. Take a look, bitches!" He walks down the hallway; he turns around and raises his arms in pride. Then the turret starts firing at his ass and keeps shooting at him until he turns into a pile of gore. Then it runs out of ammo. The two girls run past and manage to make it to the outside.

An hour later, they are sitting in front of the ruins of some blasted office building!

"My brother's dead!" Worried says. "My boyfriend's dead! My sister-in-law is dead! I can't take this anymore! I'm going to kill every last raider!"

"I'm sorry…" Tiny says.

Worried gets up and starts running.

"No! Wait! Come back!" Tiny screams!

Worried sees some super mutants and starts shooting at them with her 32. That gun is like the worst in the entire world! She manages to kill one, but they eventually catch her and knock her out. Now she's theirs, they're either going to eat her, or throw her in the vats of goo.

Tiny saw her friend get captured! She saw her friends blow up, get shot and get beaten to death. She starts crying and starts running wherever she can. She screams. She just runs and runs. She keeps running. 4 guys with assault rifles and machine guns are walking. She sees them and runs to them for aid.

"HELP! PLEASE HELP ME!" She screams. She runs into one of their arms and keeps crying.

"Whoa! Easy there, sport. What's the matter? You can tell us. We can help" The guy says.

"I can't take it anymore! All my friends! They're dead! Or worse! I don't want this life anymore! Please! I can't do it!"

"Calm down, calm down. You're safe now. Nobody can hurt you now. We're here. Do you understand? You are safe!"

"Yes…"

"Good. It's okay pretty girl. Let us take you back to our base so we can take a look at you. See if you're in good condition. We'll help and take care of you. Okay? Can we do that?"

"Yes. Okay." She said. "Where is your base?"

"It's that big building in the distance." He points. "See? It's not far."

"Is it nice there?"

"Oh! It's the nicest place of all places. It's called Paradise Falls…"

The End


End file.
